~what to say~

I've fussed for so long on what to say and done so much it has annoyed what hope I had left. Good job Lutz! Seriously I owe to myself to kick the living shit out of my own ass. Dumb, stupid and incredibly idiotic! I have felt the peak of my depression these past few days all thanks to my clever idea to be an ass, never mind that the reason I stopped doing the stuff I normally do a while was that I was fixing things. That doesn't matter though, this entry is to close all things related to what I always talk about here [you], why? because it annoys you and probably embarasses you that I write so casually about it here and can not seem to do that when I am with you. More than that though all that I write here, really should just be for your ears. So this is my notice to everyone I am stopping my "regular" entries for good.

Right now I don't feel so well, there's too much silence, not even the beep of a message for a reply. I hate these silences, they drive me to the brink of insanity. This is probably why I end up thinking too much. Anyway, what else do I have to say? Ummmm I probably won't ne going home for a while, the house really isn't conducive to recuperation from things like this, my home amplifies done damage and makes me feel worse than I already do.

Also SORRY, really I am, all I said was on my behalf because I really don't understand what you mean or what you want to say or portray.

I've got so much more to say, but now I know, this isn't the time nor place... I just wish I could've known sooner... My thoughts are destructive and better that they stay inside my head where they can't hurt anyone...

Goodnight everyone, wish me the sleep of of a thousand dreams.
Ciao!

Tongue Tied part1

A while ago I asked you to stay, said I wanted to tell you something but didn't really quite get to it till the end. And even when I did it wasn't enough, I said it but that was it. I was afraid of that and it sucks that that's what happened. I never get to tell you the right things at the right moment, and that's probably why you can't believe me when I keep saying things that I know I mean.

Did you know I was so scared the time you asked me to talk? I got over that but when you said we couldn't my heart dropped. I didn't want to let the day end like that. But even when I saw you all I did was just blab my mouth again, taking aside what really had to be said. In the end I rushed it and it didn't come out right.

I don't know why I'm like that specially with you. I have never had that problem, not till you. And it bugs me that I always end up miserable, I seem to be out of sync with time and I can never really ask you what you think. It's always wala lang, secret, isipin mo or whatever. Don't get me wrong though misery is not something I am new to. And though I sometimes feel it because of stupid moments that I get myself into its not enough to undermine the feelings I have for you the feelings that allow me to smile knowing I did well to make you smile once in a while.

That is why I told you, "at least you know it won't go away", I won't go away, not if you don't ask me to... I love you, I really do mean it...