I miss ...

Yesterday, I went home early because I was sick. I have been having chills since monday when I got a fever. I went home to find myself alone, and I thought to myself cool I have the entire house to myself. Later that night silence made me deaf, I was alone and there was nothing to keep me busy to make matters worse my temp started to rise and I had no food or drink available so I had to suck it up and cook for myself after washing a ton of dishes left at home. I was sick but I had to do that and when sleeping time came I couldn't stop myslef from shivering I was cold because well it was night and I had a fever but you know what that wasn't what bugged me the most. What bugged me was the fact that I was alone and I couldn't sleep because I thought of so many things. The way I mess up and things I do, and why people hang out with me. I come to the realization that people love me for what I do, what I can offer and when all of that is gone, who would be left for me? When I am useless who would be there to share time with me.

And then I laughed it off saying how I was being so dramatic and I wiped my tears to try and go to sleep. But I couldn't, I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't sleep there was something no someone that kept me from sleeping, kept me wishing for God to give me a chance to say everything, reveal truth and I said tommorow after theo no more texts or offline messages I spent most of our time sending messages there, I want this to be different the last if need be. And then I was calm, I was still shivering but I was calm somehow.

That is how I spent my night only to realize that my chance was taken from me today. Theo was cancelled today and I don't have any chance after that. Now I'm stuck writing here, god I hate my life and my school only reason I wanted to stay I probably drove away...

[Each night I spend trying to exhaust myself so I can sleep without dreaming, to be able to sleep I need to be so tired or sleepy I can't move. Because if I even try to sleep consciously I know I'll begin to think and when I do I know I'll end up crying. God I know years back I asked for a life more than dull, asked a life that had emotion, where things actually happened... I didn't ask for all this pain... I'm afraid I'll lose everything that makes me alive, don't worry I wont kill myself, I am too weak to do that. I'm just afraid Ill become lifeless and alone but before that I'm afraid I've already lost, [help me please, hold my hand and tell me it's alright]]

~DRAMA~
I asked for my life to have some, I didn't ask for my life to become one
I have two classes to go and an entire day to spend, I wonder how it will end
How will this day end and how will my days end?

So many things to say, yet I really haven't said anything
Words probably are really just meaningless
If so than maybe so am I...

kayat ku kuma ket sitayu nga duwa, ngem awan ti inaramid ku...
sitayu lang kuma ngem awan ti imbagak...
nakalak laki nak gamin nga tanga...