All over again

Remember when I said that alcohol doesn't make you say things that are incoherent, it makes you say the things you are afraid to say. Well I am drinking now, and well I have to say this. I love laughing with you and spending time with you, something that lately I have not done much of. I must say I was trying to avoid because I did not know where I stood. Anyway two nights ago you made me think again, laugh and smile, we were having fun pairing someone up and I was happy you were smiling and everything was great. But it made me think, right now I am thinking, that night made me fall in love with you all over again, not that I ever lost love for you. I was soooo happy that night, like a lot of things couldn't possibly matter and those few hours I just wished I could prolong. Sadly, they are just memories now and I can't do anything but hold on to them as I do now. How our friend said LQ, how you hit me at a slight joke I uttered about you or how we walked together as we talked about the lovely pair of m**** and j****. Even when I stayed with you till you got a taxi and went home, I wished time would stop. And when it proceeded all I could do was sigh.

Have I told you what people said to me that night? They said i should have taken you home. That I should have made sure you were safe... they were right and I couldn't answer. The truth is, I wanted to do that, to stay with you just a bit longer because I just fell for you one more time... But I had no right to impose, people know and I am not denying it, I love you and I still do but to do something like that might not have been to your liking. You are a strong girl and you have little need for what I can give but I will so long as I can. Do you understand? I am not up to par with you and I can't help but think that you see me nothing more as a friend. And so I try to stay that way, but when things like that night happen and I fall all over again I don't know what to think anymore. And sometimes I don't want to anymore because I will not know where I stand. But I will always be around for you, I will not offer because I think I have no right to but I will always oblige if you ask me to because I love you and I am confused, I am far from what you are but I love you nonetheless, so I can't possibly impose, shouldn't or am I wrong? I dream that I am wrong but dreams are just dreams still it doesn't change the fact that I fell for you once and all over again and you never even noticed it...

Am I talking non-sense? If I am, then please by all means ignore me.
Ciao! and take care I LOVE YOU...
Time to sleep and hopefull just dream...

of course its not really anna i'm talking about

I long to tell you
How much I need you
If I can find the words to say
I never have to feel this way
Not knowing just what to do when I’m with you

My friends they tell me
That I shouldn’t hurry
Everything keeps goin’ strong
‘Coz you keep it going on
Though i have to say how much I love you

[chorus]
Oh Anna can’t you tell and see
What you’re doing to me
Oh Anna this feeling I just can’t hide
Keeps driving me wild
Oh Anna I need you here with me
I wish you could be
Oh Anna won’t you stay with me

Your eyes, they look through me
Your smile they fools me
I never thought I’d love again
But this time I hope it never ends
I have to let you know
I love you

[repeat chorus 2x]

Oh… Anna

[repeat chorus to fade]

(and so lives a name in acil)

Somehow I knew

There are certain things that somehow I just knew. I wasn't told nor was I given clues, I just knew. Somehow I wanted to disprove myself, wanted to believe I was wrong. So even when I knew, I ignored. And now that I see I really am wrong and that I was disillusioned I still keep on. Why because simply it is my decision, my life, my feelings and though it makes me teary eyed right now I have to accept. One thing I wish though, I wish someone had told me...

So am I still waiting?
Do I still love?
Am I still here?
Yes, I am
Here always
Just waiting
Specially when I am needed
I am here
That is why I wait
Because I love
I remain

~tears~
(again I cleanse my black soul)

~Love as a decision~

I remember talking about love with someone. I was told that it was not a feeling but a decision. And I disagreed with all my heart because if love was indeed a decision then you can turn it on and of as easy as you flick a light switch. All you'd have to do is decide. I said love was a feeling, not a feeling that comes and you just say you are in love but a feeling that allows you to be. A feeling that allows you to act for someone, not always for the better but always with an intention meant for the good.

Of course now I know I wasn't completely right. Now I know that sometimes love becomes a decison for so many reasons. However I do know of one. Love becomes a decision at the loss of the feeling. People say that feelings fade without constance. If you love yet you do not show it or if you are in love yet not one of you show it then sooner or later it fades and at times it will disappear. Just like normal things you do if you don't practice them, sooner or later you forget. This is where the decision comes in, allow love to remain a feeling and let it slip away or turn it into a decision. Choose the latter and you make love dormant but it won't slip away. It's just there, you decide that you really love and thus will not allow certain events to hinder that love. It becomes a decision, that you love even when all else turns against you. Why? because you hope that sometime in the future that love will be noticed and that feeling that remained dormant will be awakened.

Of course there is no assurance that it will be noticed and awakened but then does it really matter? You already made a decision. So you stand by it, love then becomes just a decision.

It may be confusing because I am narating it. But If you come across a time when you doubt feelings remember these words and see for yourself will you make a decision or allow it to just fade?

[so is stand here decisions made and i know not what will be. i am apprehensive of feelings i am to feel when everything starts to move again. i've made my world stop when everyone elses kept moving, so i was left behind]

~I am so sorry~
~I wish I was more~