you

I wasn't really sure whether or not i should post this...
Suffice to say that, it took me all of this day to even decide that i should...
This is not for all people to see so if the title does not mean anything to you,
then it was not meant to be read by you.

It's been a while since i have last thought of [you]
Longer, even considering moments with [you]...
So i find it... lets call it unusual to have dreams of [you]

It wasn't just any dream, it was vivid and more real than when i woke up to my crappy little life

I was with [you] there, walking around and laughing, it seemed odd to me that we were like that, specially after what we had gone through. I held your hand tightly and walked over to your friends and asked them if we were all just about ready to go... and the next thing i know, we were on a trip to somewhere and [you] were sitting right beside me eyes gazed out on the beautiful view, i noticed how [you] tied [your] long curly hair and i remembered how i used to toy with it. It used to annoy you so much... We reached our destination a little late so we all unpacked to a small house. The weird thing is, after unpacking, instead of having rooms we all had sleeping bags or mats and we were all lying in the living room with music playing in the background. We talked about everything from when we all met to the awkward meetings for the first time. One of [your] friends I met asked if it was us the first time I saw her, I couldn’t reply, wanted to say yes but I waited for [you] and [you] shook your head a disappointing no… We laughed at how funny things turned out, going on a trip like that, and when it was finally all over we started talking amongst ourselves… peer to peer, person to person and I ended up with [you]…

I don’t exactly recall what we talked about in my dream but I remember being happy. I remember having apprehensions about the trip, about being with [you] but they all seemed to just float away looking at [you] smile and laugh… I remember thinking “I got it bad” right before I laid my head beside [your]s… I remember them, [your]… our, friends whispering “look at them both, after all that happened it seems as though they never went through it”…. And I remember [you] chuckling after noticing me listening to them… and I remember, the last thing on my mind before I woke up was that they can think what they want, I’m happy we’re ok, I’m happy I can make [you] smile again. Then we just slept there, together, no malice, no arguments, no assumptions… I remember being happy I could keep my promise…

So many things have been left out, I don’t remember as much as when I woke up… But the feelings remain… I have no idea why or even what the purpose of that dream is but it makes me… sad, that it did not really turn out that way… Maybe It’s because somehow part of me, harbors that dream… maybe it’s a sign of sorts… I don’t know, all I know is I want to share it with [you] but to do it directly would be too presumptuous… so I am leaving it to chance, per chance [you] notice and read this little post of mine, per chance it might have occurred to [you]… I… I have no idea what I’m even trying to say only that if [you] ever read or come across this maybe there is reason for my dream, maybe it means a little more than what I try to convince myself I don’t feel…

Then again maybe it’s just like what they said
Maybe I’m just being a stupid loser…

I’m so confused…

Birthdays

Birthdays are suppossed to be special...
So when they turn out to be total disasters they end up being more of a downer...
Because you expected more, because you thought for one day...
Just one day you could be given a break...

My Birthday today was spent doing
- a meeting for teenpreneur
-cooking my own damn food
-walking along katipunan
-waiting in katipunan
-being left alone in katipunan
-and finally feeling like such a fool to even think [you] would care

~Happy damn birthday to me!~

~I was wrong, you did remember~

~You had someone else greet me~

~But you did remember~

~Didn't even bother to see me~

~So what, does that make me?~

~A fool?~

~An idiot?~

~No, I prefer in love~

~Because even after all this~

~I am not angry~

~I am sad~

~All you had to do was talk to me~

~Say the truth~

~Instead you fool around with my feelings~

~Guess, what....~

~I love you~

~And I'll lose these damn arguements over and over~

~And I will say sorry, even when I am not at fault~

~I can't hold out~

~Not to you~

~Because I'll lose either way~

~And you're the only one I look forward to anyway~

~I love you, even when it hurts~

I guess my birthday is officially screwed

O well, tomorow is a regular day, maybe then I wont feel specially neglected
Goodnight....

~clueless!?~

~almost there~

~just a little while more~

~help me prove them wrong~

~i hope you remember~

~please help me prove my doubt wrong~

A slight difference

When Peter Pan talked to Tinkerbell again after quite some time. He asked her "why did you have to go away for so long?"

And she replied "You never gave me a reason to come back. I was always there when you needed me but I guess you never showed me how important I am to your life. Now it's different and we're different, we've changed but I'm still smiling..."

Then Peter asked her "Why?"

And Tink sighed and said "I myself don't know the reason... It's just that now........... it's your turn to miss me..."

I am not Tink, I do not live in a fairytale though I want to, I never left and I am definitely not smiling... but for some reason I feel somewhat the same, the only difference is I will never be missed...

One post after another

It seems it's not only people who are angry at me
Fate seems cruel enough to deny me of seeing you
I was here [ctc com lab] at 12
I thought I'd catch you on your way to lunch
I was wrong
I thought I'd see you after your last class
Again I was wrong
Like every other thing
I was wrong
It seems even circumstances
won't allow me
my greatest happiness

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A long time ago I told you and your friend I was insecure
It was a secret of mine I had not shared
Masked behind my ego
Ever wonder why?
It's because I fell in love with the perfect girl
And no matter what I'd intend to do
I'd never be able to match that
But I wanted to try,
I wanted so badly to try because I didn't want to lose her
That same girl who was right in front of me who never knew
Now she does and so do you but for some reason nothing has changed
I'm still insecure
And you're still you
no texts, no replies
just plain silence
But just the same I'd still like to try
to be with you
simple, the greatest happiness I could ever attain
I felt when I was with you...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So call me stupid for waiting three hours
I've been waiting for you to notice me 2 years
Call me whatever you will
But I won't stop
Not when you told me you noticed
Because you gave me a chance...
You told me so...
No matter how small that chance is
even if its undeniably improbable
I'll take it
Any chance at all is worth it just to be with you

I love you...

What am I doing?

I'm typing this now because... I have no idea why...
All I know is I have to talk to you
So I'm going to school today to see if I can
I don't know whether or not you will
But I have to try
Because well I love you
and I just have to try...

Absolutely nothing...

can compare to what
I have experienced this weekend
It was worse than hell
I know because i've been there
Never thought it could be this bad...

Stupid

Kaya pala hindi ka man lang sumagot...

Ouch!

I wish

I went to ADMU today to get a certificate of good moral conduct. It took less time than I expected specially because I spent 2 days just completing the form for my transcript. I had the urge to go see [you] so I dropped by your first class not that it would matter cause you didn't notice anyway but it meant more to me. Sat around at som, thinking if I should wait till [your] class ends but decided against it, might be just bothering you. Anyway, after that I headed on to taft to fix my papers. On the way there I plugged my earphones and started thinking about stiff...while on the train some girl started staring at me... figures she was staring coz i was crying... hahaha! What a delayed reaction, I got my results and figured my predicament weeks probably months ago... and then I was crying, and on a train too! I wiped my tears and smiled and laughed at what I was doing, crying in public... not something I would usually do and as the train stopped for vito cruz station I walked out and headed to lasalle main and csb. I got the requirements and hurried back to katipunan where I am now typing this... I need to go back to taft before friday to fix the rest of my papers... But before that I need to release some things clogging my system... It's not that I am saddened that I have to leave. It is that I am saddened because I barely "see" [you] when I was there and now that I'm not I'm scared I won't at all... and tears well up when I start to think of that, then I wish, I wish that I was still with [you] the way my last days there were spent with [you]... not that anything here will ever matter, no one reads this stuff and I'm betting no one cares what's written here, I guess I just want to express myself more and well at least here there's less of a chance people will know... kind of stupid since this is the net and people could easily read this stuff but I think there's less of a chance that happens than someone blabbing when I tell them about all these things... It's weird, this entire thing started because I wanted somewhere to tell [you] what I felt, I was wrong... Anyway this has gone too long and I am tired too so I think I'll stop now and update some other time, maybe when something good happens to me for a change... haha! like that will ever happen, Ciao!