~what to say~

I've fussed for so long on what to say and done so much it has annoyed what hope I had left. Good job Lutz! Seriously I owe to myself to kick the living shit out of my own ass. Dumb, stupid and incredibly idiotic! I have felt the peak of my depression these past few days all thanks to my clever idea to be an ass, never mind that the reason I stopped doing the stuff I normally do a while was that I was fixing things. That doesn't matter though, this entry is to close all things related to what I always talk about here [you], why? because it annoys you and probably embarasses you that I write so casually about it here and can not seem to do that when I am with you. More than that though all that I write here, really should just be for your ears. So this is my notice to everyone I am stopping my "regular" entries for good.

Right now I don't feel so well, there's too much silence, not even the beep of a message for a reply. I hate these silences, they drive me to the brink of insanity. This is probably why I end up thinking too much. Anyway, what else do I have to say? Ummmm I probably won't ne going home for a while, the house really isn't conducive to recuperation from things like this, my home amplifies done damage and makes me feel worse than I already do.

Also SORRY, really I am, all I said was on my behalf because I really don't understand what you mean or what you want to say or portray.

I've got so much more to say, but now I know, this isn't the time nor place... I just wish I could've known sooner... My thoughts are destructive and better that they stay inside my head where they can't hurt anyone...

Goodnight everyone, wish me the sleep of of a thousand dreams.
Ciao!

Tongue Tied part1

A while ago I asked you to stay, said I wanted to tell you something but didn't really quite get to it till the end. And even when I did it wasn't enough, I said it but that was it. I was afraid of that and it sucks that that's what happened. I never get to tell you the right things at the right moment, and that's probably why you can't believe me when I keep saying things that I know I mean.

Did you know I was so scared the time you asked me to talk? I got over that but when you said we couldn't my heart dropped. I didn't want to let the day end like that. But even when I saw you all I did was just blab my mouth again, taking aside what really had to be said. In the end I rushed it and it didn't come out right.

I don't know why I'm like that specially with you. I have never had that problem, not till you. And it bugs me that I always end up miserable, I seem to be out of sync with time and I can never really ask you what you think. It's always wala lang, secret, isipin mo or whatever. Don't get me wrong though misery is not something I am new to. And though I sometimes feel it because of stupid moments that I get myself into its not enough to undermine the feelings I have for you the feelings that allow me to smile knowing I did well to make you smile once in a while.

That is why I told you, "at least you know it won't go away", I won't go away, not if you don't ask me to... I love you, I really do mean it...

Last night's memories

I went out last night to go to a concert. It wasn't as fun as I thought coz my family tagged along well they had a right to because they are after all part of the community that put up the fund raiser... anyway, perofomers Juan Pablo Dream and Sitti were there. Juan Pablo dream was cool but Sitti was late and the songs she sang weren't really appropriate for the occassion. (on a side note, Sitti looks better in person).

The night was turning out to be one of the worst nights ever when I met someone, she was extremely pretty and nice to boot she introduced me to other members and they asked me to visit them somtime at DLSU. We got to talking about stuff and I realized I wanted what they had right here in ADMU, so I'll be visiting them for tips and stuff more often I guess... I didn't get her name though... nevermind I have the names of the other Brods and Sis anyway, besides I'll see them when I visit. :)

Anyway, there were incidents then that I would rather not discuss but umm suffice to say that if people knew what I did they'd call me nuts. Couldn't help but just think about someone and text but I HAD NO LOAD... DAMMIT I HATE THIS SHIT... to make things worse well, I kept reading things that disheartened me about certain decisions I made... could You please stop...
So many things that must be discussed but cannot be said... ~empty~

P.S.
People often find them selves relating with what others say and show, treat me different, i have my own views and beliefs and i will live and die by them.

P.S.S.
I do believe that a person can complete someone, specially when that someone has lost something within... people don't always need to agree on everything though it would be nice if they did. Don't let people change who you are just because something is logical. It doesn't follow that what is logical is proper or correct, if people lose sight of the simplest and most important things what makes them people at all?

~hold my hand and tell me how you feel, my heart will listen to you and my mind will set you free~

I love you...

Just a thought...

For most people, what I will be posting here would make no sense at all so just skip this part and move on...

I saw a picture of mine a while ago (gateway anyone!?)... frankly I miss it, ever wonder why my smile looked so confused? It was because I was, well for the most part depressed but a bit more so than usual... then an invitation to take a picture was given... wow! I didn't know what face to put on hence the weird smile... Hahaha! I really, miss that... I miss a lot of things, things that really don't mean much to most people but have an entirely priceless worth to me(December 17, 2006, a receipt from previously Ice Monster store, and a whole bunch of other stuff including gift wrapper).

Call me stupid, it is after all my fault and after all that I see now, all I am is full of regret.
I used to say forget regret but I guess sometimes actions and mistakes you made, affect you so much you have to live with the regret for the rest of your life. Each night I sleep, I wake up to nightmarish versions of answers that I am terrified of... I am so messed up...

~I made a promise to myself last night and I know I don't keep promises I make to myself very much but this one I intend to keep~
~a promise to be the last no matter what~
~I'll have to live that~

yo corazón habla pero un nombre

kahit tablado ako
kahit masakit
kahit ano pa
ikaw pa rin ang mahal ko
pero kung sasabihin mo lang
isang iglap kaibigan lang muli ako

All over again

Remember when I said that alcohol doesn't make you say things that are incoherent, it makes you say the things you are afraid to say. Well I am drinking now, and well I have to say this. I love laughing with you and spending time with you, something that lately I have not done much of. I must say I was trying to avoid because I did not know where I stood. Anyway two nights ago you made me think again, laugh and smile, we were having fun pairing someone up and I was happy you were smiling and everything was great. But it made me think, right now I am thinking, that night made me fall in love with you all over again, not that I ever lost love for you. I was soooo happy that night, like a lot of things couldn't possibly matter and those few hours I just wished I could prolong. Sadly, they are just memories now and I can't do anything but hold on to them as I do now. How our friend said LQ, how you hit me at a slight joke I uttered about you or how we walked together as we talked about the lovely pair of m**** and j****. Even when I stayed with you till you got a taxi and went home, I wished time would stop. And when it proceeded all I could do was sigh.

Have I told you what people said to me that night? They said i should have taken you home. That I should have made sure you were safe... they were right and I couldn't answer. The truth is, I wanted to do that, to stay with you just a bit longer because I just fell for you one more time... But I had no right to impose, people know and I am not denying it, I love you and I still do but to do something like that might not have been to your liking. You are a strong girl and you have little need for what I can give but I will so long as I can. Do you understand? I am not up to par with you and I can't help but think that you see me nothing more as a friend. And so I try to stay that way, but when things like that night happen and I fall all over again I don't know what to think anymore. And sometimes I don't want to anymore because I will not know where I stand. But I will always be around for you, I will not offer because I think I have no right to but I will always oblige if you ask me to because I love you and I am confused, I am far from what you are but I love you nonetheless, so I can't possibly impose, shouldn't or am I wrong? I dream that I am wrong but dreams are just dreams still it doesn't change the fact that I fell for you once and all over again and you never even noticed it...

Am I talking non-sense? If I am, then please by all means ignore me.
Ciao! and take care I LOVE YOU...
Time to sleep and hopefull just dream...

of course its not really anna i'm talking about

I long to tell you
How much I need you
If I can find the words to say
I never have to feel this way
Not knowing just what to do when I’m with you

My friends they tell me
That I shouldn’t hurry
Everything keeps goin’ strong
‘Coz you keep it going on
Though i have to say how much I love you

[chorus]
Oh Anna can’t you tell and see
What you’re doing to me
Oh Anna this feeling I just can’t hide
Keeps driving me wild
Oh Anna I need you here with me
I wish you could be
Oh Anna won’t you stay with me

Your eyes, they look through me
Your smile they fools me
I never thought I’d love again
But this time I hope it never ends
I have to let you know
I love you

[repeat chorus 2x]

Oh… Anna

[repeat chorus to fade]

(and so lives a name in acil)

Somehow I knew

There are certain things that somehow I just knew. I wasn't told nor was I given clues, I just knew. Somehow I wanted to disprove myself, wanted to believe I was wrong. So even when I knew, I ignored. And now that I see I really am wrong and that I was disillusioned I still keep on. Why because simply it is my decision, my life, my feelings and though it makes me teary eyed right now I have to accept. One thing I wish though, I wish someone had told me...

So am I still waiting?
Do I still love?
Am I still here?
Yes, I am
Here always
Just waiting
Specially when I am needed
I am here
That is why I wait
Because I love
I remain

~tears~
(again I cleanse my black soul)

~Love as a decision~

I remember talking about love with someone. I was told that it was not a feeling but a decision. And I disagreed with all my heart because if love was indeed a decision then you can turn it on and of as easy as you flick a light switch. All you'd have to do is decide. I said love was a feeling, not a feeling that comes and you just say you are in love but a feeling that allows you to be. A feeling that allows you to act for someone, not always for the better but always with an intention meant for the good.

Of course now I know I wasn't completely right. Now I know that sometimes love becomes a decison for so many reasons. However I do know of one. Love becomes a decision at the loss of the feeling. People say that feelings fade without constance. If you love yet you do not show it or if you are in love yet not one of you show it then sooner or later it fades and at times it will disappear. Just like normal things you do if you don't practice them, sooner or later you forget. This is where the decision comes in, allow love to remain a feeling and let it slip away or turn it into a decision. Choose the latter and you make love dormant but it won't slip away. It's just there, you decide that you really love and thus will not allow certain events to hinder that love. It becomes a decision, that you love even when all else turns against you. Why? because you hope that sometime in the future that love will be noticed and that feeling that remained dormant will be awakened.

Of course there is no assurance that it will be noticed and awakened but then does it really matter? You already made a decision. So you stand by it, love then becomes just a decision.

It may be confusing because I am narating it. But If you come across a time when you doubt feelings remember these words and see for yourself will you make a decision or allow it to just fade?

[so is stand here decisions made and i know not what will be. i am apprehensive of feelings i am to feel when everything starts to move again. i've made my world stop when everyone elses kept moving, so i was left behind]

~I am so sorry~
~I wish I was more~

Jeon ji Hyun Must say Goodbye mv

CHORUS
All things end
so my friends
we to shall be parting
moments shared
slowly drift into memories
but with time on our side
one day we'll be together
until then, we must say good-bye

thank you for the happiness
we've shared a long the way
may it be a constant friend
each hour everyday
may the songs we sang together
live within our minds
sweet memories of joy and love
untouched by age or time

CHORUS
all things end so my friends
we to shall be parting
moments shared
slowly drift
into memories
but with time on our side
one day we'll be together
until then we must say good-bye

until then we must say good-bye
until then we must say good-bye

~still do~

Every time I try to think otherwise you come along and I realize I LOVE YOU, still do and will do for who knows how long. So I am not angry, not when you are two hours late, not when you could care less, not when you forget... I am not angry, most specially when you ask me because those times I see you care and then on those moments I feel special, how can I be angry then? Understand that I LOVE and sometimes I may come of as angry but I am not, hurt perhaps but not angry. So even when I know not anymore what is and is not outside me. On thing remains, I love and I know because when I smiled yesterday, you caused it. It may have been a slap, you might have been "really" angry, but know that I wasn't, nor was I angered... I was partly happy... thank you...

~mixed emotions~ confusion!?

I have met people who say I am in touch with my emotions. I beg to differ, I am not. I do not know how to show how I feel, only that I do and that's not enough to show that I really feel that way. I have been in trouble for a long time now and I thought I could deal with it, WRONG. I only fixed part of it, I can only do so much. The other half I thought I could just come to terms with, forget and live with. But I can't you see, I can take as much as what people deem unnecessary. As long as there is no exact answer, there is a glimpse of hope for me.

I was told not to assume, but without exact answers all you can do is assume. Most of the time I assume for the worse but on some special cases I want to assume for the better. I know I mess up a lot and I know I threw my chances away, lost what could have been. I know what things I did can never bring back what has been and that I will end up alone in what I say here. I tried to forget, tried to live with things, but each time a smile passes me by. I can't help but think of what I did and how much love I have that won't see light.

No one has to believe what I say here, all of you could just dismiss it as drama. My words after all are created from a writers point of view. I know sometimes I blow things out of proportion, more so when it comes to romance. After all this time, i wanted to try, I remain a hopeless romantic. And now I have less days to change that but I am no longer allowed because of things I did.

I don't know what to think or say or do anymore. All I know are feelings that will be kept here with me and myself. What I have are all that's here with me nothing more... I never wanted to regret things... the present is all I lived for... but I can't do that now, my past haunts me and my future cripples me... so I am left with regret of things I didn't do, failed to do and couldn't do... And though all things say that I have no chances left...

One feeling remains in my heart, that I love you...

and everything feels so painful because of things I messed up...

*Feel the way you feel do not be swayed by my words because what I seek is the smile on your face that saved my life, do not feel anything but what you do. I envy what you've done and your strength. What you've shown me a long time ago will forever remain in me so I thank you, just thank you, be what you will and if you need me all you need is ask...

"I will walk each day looking for a reason and when there is no longer a need for me then I will lay myself to rest for time time to take its toll on a body that refuses to die" -the third lazarus

~Unimportant~

~self explanatory~

why write when it's not important?
then again why bother to say it's unimportant when it is?
because you want it to be known even just the slightest bit...

Angels with clipped wings

There are as I have said before angels who have only one wing those that could soar when they've found their partner. Then they could fly hand in hand. I never said anything about those angels with clipped wings, angels who are left wandering the earth, looking for people to help but cannot fly themselves. Left to be undesirable they accept their fates but detest the fate of those who follow in their footsteps. These angels if you could call them that contest misfortunes that befall another person. They prevent at most, anything that could cause another to feel or worse become one of them. To be an angel with clipped wings is not something they would have shared because it entails pain.

Once in a while though they feel like they are as human as humans are. But then again realize they're not. These angels are far from what we see as saviors they risk their own for someone to feel again. They are tough as beasts but only so much to protect themselves. They are frail as they have nothing to hold them up when they try to soar.

Are they capable of soaring? Yes, they are. They have potential that isn't tapped because of many things but they are capable. You ask them to do things for you and in a glance they can oblige but not once have they done it for themselves? How can they not be capable when they produce more for others than what the eye can see? Because they don't find a need to.

They live alone because fate has told them to do so. They are separated because that is the life they know. But if you approach them they'd give their life to you. You want to see what they are capabe of? Then look at them not with prejudice. Look at them with eyes that inquire, not question.

All they need is to be told of importance. What it means to be important, how it feels to be important so their clipped wings don't feel as much a burden as it is.

I'm no angel but I know to feel important is something all people should get to experience. Once in a while it saves llves just knowing at one point you meant something, you were someone and you made a difference. What good is a life when it's spent with just bitterness? It might be hypocritical of me to say that but I've only been special a few times in a lifetime I've been not.

So if someone asks, answer because an answer shows a bit of attention that comes with the care. It's ok to wait but don't keep hanging...

[Confused? So am I... But I'm taking your advice... I don't know how late it is and if you'll ever notice. It might not even make a difference but at least I know what might have been. I'm sorry if still I am weird and off, like I said I'm fixing things. Sorry for pouring out things you need not worry about, they are after all my problems. When I'm done I'll ask again, maybe then you'll finally see or hear the question I've been asking for a very long time... I miss you and I love you... I hope aside from knowing that you believe it, because it's true, it probably is one of the few that are...]

~regression~

Continued depression...

After posting my thoughts last night, after an hour and thirty minutes my parents finally arrived to fetch me... They gave me a long lecture on going home early and I was thinking if that was all they were going to do I would have just commuted home... I mean waiting for almost two hours and ending up being lectured isn't exactly the thing I am looking forward to after an entire day gone wrong. So I cried myself to sleep, yes I cry... I am after all human...

Today I am here in katipunan hoping to eat out, wrong move seems I won't be going anywhere... Stupid me, mali nanaman ako... lagi naman e, mali na nga ako pinahihirapan pa ako ng buhay, kailan ba ako tatama? Anyway dito na lang ako sa katipunan prolly till 4 kung wala ako kasama well bahala na...

Sagot sa tanong "bakit sa accounting..."
Kasi nalilito ako...
Hindi ko alam kung ayaw mo o gusto...
Kapag ikaw lang, andyan sila...
Kapag andyan sila,
hindi ko malaman kung naiirita ka,
o natutuwa ka...

Pagkakamali ko naman yun e,
Wag mo nang isipin...

"Being taught to be humble when you already
are only makes you feel unworthy of anything"

Dahilan sa pagi-iisip, rason para mabigyan katuturan ang mga nagawa at ginagawa ko. Pero ang totoo mali pa rin ako. Sabihin ko man na ganyan ako nakikita ko pa rin ang mga mali ko, kaya ganyan nga ba talaga ako? Kung alam ko at nakikita ko na ang mga bagay na ipinagkakaila ko sa sarili ko. Kung nararamdaman kong hindi pero may oo ano nga ba ang dapat na sundin ko? Nawawala na ako at nasisiraan na ng ulo, pero iisa pa rin ang nasa ulo ko, mali pa rin ako...

P.S.
To wait forever for nothing can be called stupidity, I call it patience for it teaches you to wait for things you can not foretell...

Ciao!

Itadakimasu... not

I was suppossed to eat out, but for some particular reason it was cancelled. My fault, to damn sensitive... I hate it when this happens, I end up drinking without anything in my stomach and now it hurts like hell. I hate it when I look forward to something and is disappointed but in this case it is MY fault... stupid! I waited for nothing, Sigh* I just wanted to eat out, was that so hard to ask? why is destiny intent on giving me a hard time? have I done fate wrong? I miss a lot of things and I miss you more than anything and I'm not making any sense but maybe if I was given some time I would... I'm honest enough to admit everything, anything to show you...

God give me a break, at least let my tears fall down my cheeks...
You make me cry so often I don't realize I already am...

Ciao!

Accounting

I'm suppossed to be attending accouting but I'm not...
Why? because I'm scared...
Of what? The subject?
No, Something else...
What? Something no one would understand...

Hell hath no fury like the storms of the clouds. Lightning will scorch you and thunder will deafen you. The winds winds will gash you but the rain, the rain will wipe the blood away and comfort you...

So why are you scared?
Because I just am...
I am not magic, I am prone to pain...
No matter how hard my shell is...
Inside I am still too soft...

Coincidence of clouds

I am a person who loves the rain. Even when it rains I don't use an umbrella. I guess I can say I love the clouds too. Because clouds are the reason behind rain, well and sunshine too. The beautiful clouds that are ever so busy moving around the skies.

I do however hate, no dislike the way clouds tend to deceive me. She shines and then suddenly pours like she's angry at you for no apparent reason. She darkens and makes you anticipate rain when suddenly it becomes sunny. She's erratic and even more so nowadays, and I got sick because of it.

Clouds play with me like I am a toy, with no regard for me. Sometimes she just soaks me when I need to be dry, no problem, I love the rain but it causes me trouble because I need to bring stuff that aren't suppossed to get wet.

Why do the clouds have to be so hard to predict. Sometimes she smiles at you with all her graces and in a split moment she frowns and pours. Then again I guess life is just like that... I still love clouds though, and I still love rain...

Ciao!

Cooking

I've never been one to cook for myself, I've always found it extremely fullfiling to cook for other people. When I am alone however It's not something I'd want to do. I guess it has something to do with receiving compliments for cooking good food or people asking for tips or recipes. But that's just part of it. The larger part comes from seeing people love what you made, what you cooked. What will I get from cooking for myself? Will I smile and satisfy myself... no unless I really am a nut case. So why cook for myself, why exert effort for me? Is there a point to it?

Tell you what if you have an answer just post it...
I still can't find the answer...

Smiles they keep me living specially the ones from you...
Ciao!

Dido - White Flag

nu amum laeng...