you

I wasn't really sure whether or not i should post this...
Suffice to say that, it took me all of this day to even decide that i should...
This is not for all people to see so if the title does not mean anything to you,
then it was not meant to be read by you.

It's been a while since i have last thought of [you]
Longer, even considering moments with [you]...
So i find it... lets call it unusual to have dreams of [you]

It wasn't just any dream, it was vivid and more real than when i woke up to my crappy little life

I was with [you] there, walking around and laughing, it seemed odd to me that we were like that, specially after what we had gone through. I held your hand tightly and walked over to your friends and asked them if we were all just about ready to go... and the next thing i know, we were on a trip to somewhere and [you] were sitting right beside me eyes gazed out on the beautiful view, i noticed how [you] tied [your] long curly hair and i remembered how i used to toy with it. It used to annoy you so much... We reached our destination a little late so we all unpacked to a small house. The weird thing is, after unpacking, instead of having rooms we all had sleeping bags or mats and we were all lying in the living room with music playing in the background. We talked about everything from when we all met to the awkward meetings for the first time. One of [your] friends I met asked if it was us the first time I saw her, I couldn’t reply, wanted to say yes but I waited for [you] and [you] shook your head a disappointing no… We laughed at how funny things turned out, going on a trip like that, and when it was finally all over we started talking amongst ourselves… peer to peer, person to person and I ended up with [you]…

I don’t exactly recall what we talked about in my dream but I remember being happy. I remember having apprehensions about the trip, about being with [you] but they all seemed to just float away looking at [you] smile and laugh… I remember thinking “I got it bad” right before I laid my head beside [your]s… I remember them, [your]… our, friends whispering “look at them both, after all that happened it seems as though they never went through it”…. And I remember [you] chuckling after noticing me listening to them… and I remember, the last thing on my mind before I woke up was that they can think what they want, I’m happy we’re ok, I’m happy I can make [you] smile again. Then we just slept there, together, no malice, no arguments, no assumptions… I remember being happy I could keep my promise…

So many things have been left out, I don’t remember as much as when I woke up… But the feelings remain… I have no idea why or even what the purpose of that dream is but it makes me… sad, that it did not really turn out that way… Maybe It’s because somehow part of me, harbors that dream… maybe it’s a sign of sorts… I don’t know, all I know is I want to share it with [you] but to do it directly would be too presumptuous… so I am leaving it to chance, per chance [you] notice and read this little post of mine, per chance it might have occurred to [you]… I… I have no idea what I’m even trying to say only that if [you] ever read or come across this maybe there is reason for my dream, maybe it means a little more than what I try to convince myself I don’t feel…

Then again maybe it’s just like what they said
Maybe I’m just being a stupid loser…

I’m so confused…

Birthdays

Birthdays are suppossed to be special...
So when they turn out to be total disasters they end up being more of a downer...
Because you expected more, because you thought for one day...
Just one day you could be given a break...

My Birthday today was spent doing
- a meeting for teenpreneur
-cooking my own damn food
-walking along katipunan
-waiting in katipunan
-being left alone in katipunan
-and finally feeling like such a fool to even think [you] would care

~Happy damn birthday to me!~

~I was wrong, you did remember~

~You had someone else greet me~

~But you did remember~

~Didn't even bother to see me~

~So what, does that make me?~

~A fool?~

~An idiot?~

~No, I prefer in love~

~Because even after all this~

~I am not angry~

~I am sad~

~All you had to do was talk to me~

~Say the truth~

~Instead you fool around with my feelings~

~Guess, what....~

~I love you~

~And I'll lose these damn arguements over and over~

~And I will say sorry, even when I am not at fault~

~I can't hold out~

~Not to you~

~Because I'll lose either way~

~And you're the only one I look forward to anyway~

~I love you, even when it hurts~

I guess my birthday is officially screwed

O well, tomorow is a regular day, maybe then I wont feel specially neglected
Goodnight....

~clueless!?~

~almost there~

~just a little while more~

~help me prove them wrong~

~i hope you remember~

~please help me prove my doubt wrong~

A slight difference

When Peter Pan talked to Tinkerbell again after quite some time. He asked her "why did you have to go away for so long?"

And she replied "You never gave me a reason to come back. I was always there when you needed me but I guess you never showed me how important I am to your life. Now it's different and we're different, we've changed but I'm still smiling..."

Then Peter asked her "Why?"

And Tink sighed and said "I myself don't know the reason... It's just that now........... it's your turn to miss me..."

I am not Tink, I do not live in a fairytale though I want to, I never left and I am definitely not smiling... but for some reason I feel somewhat the same, the only difference is I will never be missed...

One post after another

It seems it's not only people who are angry at me
Fate seems cruel enough to deny me of seeing you
I was here [ctc com lab] at 12
I thought I'd catch you on your way to lunch
I was wrong
I thought I'd see you after your last class
Again I was wrong
Like every other thing
I was wrong
It seems even circumstances
won't allow me
my greatest happiness

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A long time ago I told you and your friend I was insecure
It was a secret of mine I had not shared
Masked behind my ego
Ever wonder why?
It's because I fell in love with the perfect girl
And no matter what I'd intend to do
I'd never be able to match that
But I wanted to try,
I wanted so badly to try because I didn't want to lose her
That same girl who was right in front of me who never knew
Now she does and so do you but for some reason nothing has changed
I'm still insecure
And you're still you
no texts, no replies
just plain silence
But just the same I'd still like to try
to be with you
simple, the greatest happiness I could ever attain
I felt when I was with you...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So call me stupid for waiting three hours
I've been waiting for you to notice me 2 years
Call me whatever you will
But I won't stop
Not when you told me you noticed
Because you gave me a chance...
You told me so...
No matter how small that chance is
even if its undeniably improbable
I'll take it
Any chance at all is worth it just to be with you

I love you...

What am I doing?

I'm typing this now because... I have no idea why...
All I know is I have to talk to you
So I'm going to school today to see if I can
I don't know whether or not you will
But I have to try
Because well I love you
and I just have to try...

Absolutely nothing...

can compare to what
I have experienced this weekend
It was worse than hell
I know because i've been there
Never thought it could be this bad...

Stupid

Kaya pala hindi ka man lang sumagot...

Ouch!

I wish

I went to ADMU today to get a certificate of good moral conduct. It took less time than I expected specially because I spent 2 days just completing the form for my transcript. I had the urge to go see [you] so I dropped by your first class not that it would matter cause you didn't notice anyway but it meant more to me. Sat around at som, thinking if I should wait till [your] class ends but decided against it, might be just bothering you. Anyway, after that I headed on to taft to fix my papers. On the way there I plugged my earphones and started thinking about stiff...while on the train some girl started staring at me... figures she was staring coz i was crying... hahaha! What a delayed reaction, I got my results and figured my predicament weeks probably months ago... and then I was crying, and on a train too! I wiped my tears and smiled and laughed at what I was doing, crying in public... not something I would usually do and as the train stopped for vito cruz station I walked out and headed to lasalle main and csb. I got the requirements and hurried back to katipunan where I am now typing this... I need to go back to taft before friday to fix the rest of my papers... But before that I need to release some things clogging my system... It's not that I am saddened that I have to leave. It is that I am saddened because I barely "see" [you] when I was there and now that I'm not I'm scared I won't at all... and tears well up when I start to think of that, then I wish, I wish that I was still with [you] the way my last days there were spent with [you]... not that anything here will ever matter, no one reads this stuff and I'm betting no one cares what's written here, I guess I just want to express myself more and well at least here there's less of a chance people will know... kind of stupid since this is the net and people could easily read this stuff but I think there's less of a chance that happens than someone blabbing when I tell them about all these things... It's weird, this entire thing started because I wanted somewhere to tell [you] what I felt, I was wrong... Anyway this has gone too long and I am tired too so I think I'll stop now and update some other time, maybe when something good happens to me for a change... haha! like that will ever happen, Ciao!

On trying, flying and falling

To TRY is to do all that you can to actualize what you said you would
I might be a jerk now for saying this
But it hurts even when it's not suppossed to
These days, people say to try is a pleasant way of saying you can't
Why can't people just say that, It's better than saying you just won't
And it saves the risk of making people think you're actually trying
[I really just wanted to talk, because I miss you]
I tried to fly really I did
But life just kept on finding a way to swat me down
And I fell so hard it hurt
And I waited to be picked up but no one was there
[These days you're just too busy]
Guess I shouldn't wait
But sometimes it would be nice waiting
knowing someone will come
[My heart wants to believe that, it hopes]

What I am.... is messed up

I might be "scary"

I might be stupid

I might be an asshole

I might be crazy

I might be insensitive

I might be all things derogatory

but

I also might be more

more than scary

just misunderstood

more than stupid

just in love

more than crazy

just to forget

more than insensitive

just scared

I might have reasons

I might have none

but you won't understand me

unless you try to

I can be more

For some reason I don't want to

Why is a reason, I can't tell
[The "I" never really mattered till the "Us" came into perspective]
but suffice to say
[The "I" was happy it finally had something till the "Us" showed it never really was]
that life is lived in more than one way
[and the "I" understood it as a "ME" and "YOU" not "US"]
and sometimes the importance
[And I am so messed up now because of it]
of a few unnoticed things
[please give me time, because i have none left]
are actually those that matter
[prove me wrong, please, just prove me wrong]

I miss ...

Yesterday, I went home early because I was sick. I have been having chills since monday when I got a fever. I went home to find myself alone, and I thought to myself cool I have the entire house to myself. Later that night silence made me deaf, I was alone and there was nothing to keep me busy to make matters worse my temp started to rise and I had no food or drink available so I had to suck it up and cook for myself after washing a ton of dishes left at home. I was sick but I had to do that and when sleeping time came I couldn't stop myslef from shivering I was cold because well it was night and I had a fever but you know what that wasn't what bugged me the most. What bugged me was the fact that I was alone and I couldn't sleep because I thought of so many things. The way I mess up and things I do, and why people hang out with me. I come to the realization that people love me for what I do, what I can offer and when all of that is gone, who would be left for me? When I am useless who would be there to share time with me.

And then I laughed it off saying how I was being so dramatic and I wiped my tears to try and go to sleep. But I couldn't, I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't sleep there was something no someone that kept me from sleeping, kept me wishing for God to give me a chance to say everything, reveal truth and I said tommorow after theo no more texts or offline messages I spent most of our time sending messages there, I want this to be different the last if need be. And then I was calm, I was still shivering but I was calm somehow.

That is how I spent my night only to realize that my chance was taken from me today. Theo was cancelled today and I don't have any chance after that. Now I'm stuck writing here, god I hate my life and my school only reason I wanted to stay I probably drove away...

[Each night I spend trying to exhaust myself so I can sleep without dreaming, to be able to sleep I need to be so tired or sleepy I can't move. Because if I even try to sleep consciously I know I'll begin to think and when I do I know I'll end up crying. God I know years back I asked for a life more than dull, asked a life that had emotion, where things actually happened... I didn't ask for all this pain... I'm afraid I'll lose everything that makes me alive, don't worry I wont kill myself, I am too weak to do that. I'm just afraid Ill become lifeless and alone but before that I'm afraid I've already lost, [help me please, hold my hand and tell me it's alright]]

~DRAMA~
I asked for my life to have some, I didn't ask for my life to become one
I have two classes to go and an entire day to spend, I wonder how it will end
How will this day end and how will my days end?

So many things to say, yet I really haven't said anything
Words probably are really just meaningless
If so than maybe so am I...

kayat ku kuma ket sitayu nga duwa, ngem awan ti inaramid ku...
sitayu lang kuma ngem awan ti imbagak...
nakalak laki nak gamin nga tanga...

RENT

What I have below are the lyrics for "Without you" in the film RENT

MIMI
Without you,
the ground thaws,
the rain falls, the grass grows.

Without you,
the seeds root,
the flowers bloom, the children play.

The stars gleam,
the poets dream,
the eagles fly, without you.

The earth turns,
the sun burns,
but I die, without you.

Without you,
the breeze warms,
the girl smiles,
the cloud moves.

Without you,
the tides change,
the boys runs,
the oceans crash.

The crowds roar,
the days soar,
the babies cry, without you.

The moon glows,
the river flows,
but I die, without you.

ROGER
The world revives,

MIMI
Colors renew,

BOTH
But I know blue,
only blue,
lonely blue, within me blue

MIMI
Without you.
Without you the hand gropes,
the ear hears, the pulse beats.

ROGER
Without you,
the eyes gaze,
the legs walks, the lungs breath.
The mind churns!

MIMI
The mind churns!

ROGER
The heart yearns!

MIMI
The heart yearns!

BOTH
The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I'm gone.
'Cause I die, without you.

MIMI
Without you.

ROGER
Without you.

BOTH
Without you

(the lyrics are nice but the melody itself is a bit repetitive)
[i also did something, i was planning not to do, i didn't push through with everything though,
i guess i chickened out... again]
[try removing a heart from its box, there's more to it than what's outside]
[on a lighter note I FOUND SNOOPY]

~to a broken heart, how does one say, happy valentines day?~
~wishing away~

~what to say~

I've fussed for so long on what to say and done so much it has annoyed what hope I had left. Good job Lutz! Seriously I owe to myself to kick the living shit out of my own ass. Dumb, stupid and incredibly idiotic! I have felt the peak of my depression these past few days all thanks to my clever idea to be an ass, never mind that the reason I stopped doing the stuff I normally do a while was that I was fixing things. That doesn't matter though, this entry is to close all things related to what I always talk about here [you], why? because it annoys you and probably embarasses you that I write so casually about it here and can not seem to do that when I am with you. More than that though all that I write here, really should just be for your ears. So this is my notice to everyone I am stopping my "regular" entries for good.

Right now I don't feel so well, there's too much silence, not even the beep of a message for a reply. I hate these silences, they drive me to the brink of insanity. This is probably why I end up thinking too much. Anyway, what else do I have to say? Ummmm I probably won't ne going home for a while, the house really isn't conducive to recuperation from things like this, my home amplifies done damage and makes me feel worse than I already do.

Also SORRY, really I am, all I said was on my behalf because I really don't understand what you mean or what you want to say or portray.

I've got so much more to say, but now I know, this isn't the time nor place... I just wish I could've known sooner... My thoughts are destructive and better that they stay inside my head where they can't hurt anyone...

Goodnight everyone, wish me the sleep of of a thousand dreams.
Ciao!

Tongue Tied part1

A while ago I asked you to stay, said I wanted to tell you something but didn't really quite get to it till the end. And even when I did it wasn't enough, I said it but that was it. I was afraid of that and it sucks that that's what happened. I never get to tell you the right things at the right moment, and that's probably why you can't believe me when I keep saying things that I know I mean.

Did you know I was so scared the time you asked me to talk? I got over that but when you said we couldn't my heart dropped. I didn't want to let the day end like that. But even when I saw you all I did was just blab my mouth again, taking aside what really had to be said. In the end I rushed it and it didn't come out right.

I don't know why I'm like that specially with you. I have never had that problem, not till you. And it bugs me that I always end up miserable, I seem to be out of sync with time and I can never really ask you what you think. It's always wala lang, secret, isipin mo or whatever. Don't get me wrong though misery is not something I am new to. And though I sometimes feel it because of stupid moments that I get myself into its not enough to undermine the feelings I have for you the feelings that allow me to smile knowing I did well to make you smile once in a while.

That is why I told you, "at least you know it won't go away", I won't go away, not if you don't ask me to... I love you, I really do mean it...

Last night's memories

I went out last night to go to a concert. It wasn't as fun as I thought coz my family tagged along well they had a right to because they are after all part of the community that put up the fund raiser... anyway, perofomers Juan Pablo Dream and Sitti were there. Juan Pablo dream was cool but Sitti was late and the songs she sang weren't really appropriate for the occassion. (on a side note, Sitti looks better in person).

The night was turning out to be one of the worst nights ever when I met someone, she was extremely pretty and nice to boot she introduced me to other members and they asked me to visit them somtime at DLSU. We got to talking about stuff and I realized I wanted what they had right here in ADMU, so I'll be visiting them for tips and stuff more often I guess... I didn't get her name though... nevermind I have the names of the other Brods and Sis anyway, besides I'll see them when I visit. :)

Anyway, there were incidents then that I would rather not discuss but umm suffice to say that if people knew what I did they'd call me nuts. Couldn't help but just think about someone and text but I HAD NO LOAD... DAMMIT I HATE THIS SHIT... to make things worse well, I kept reading things that disheartened me about certain decisions I made... could You please stop...
So many things that must be discussed but cannot be said... ~empty~

P.S.
People often find them selves relating with what others say and show, treat me different, i have my own views and beliefs and i will live and die by them.

P.S.S.
I do believe that a person can complete someone, specially when that someone has lost something within... people don't always need to agree on everything though it would be nice if they did. Don't let people change who you are just because something is logical. It doesn't follow that what is logical is proper or correct, if people lose sight of the simplest and most important things what makes them people at all?

~hold my hand and tell me how you feel, my heart will listen to you and my mind will set you free~

I love you...

Just a thought...

For most people, what I will be posting here would make no sense at all so just skip this part and move on...

I saw a picture of mine a while ago (gateway anyone!?)... frankly I miss it, ever wonder why my smile looked so confused? It was because I was, well for the most part depressed but a bit more so than usual... then an invitation to take a picture was given... wow! I didn't know what face to put on hence the weird smile... Hahaha! I really, miss that... I miss a lot of things, things that really don't mean much to most people but have an entirely priceless worth to me(December 17, 2006, a receipt from previously Ice Monster store, and a whole bunch of other stuff including gift wrapper).

Call me stupid, it is after all my fault and after all that I see now, all I am is full of regret.
I used to say forget regret but I guess sometimes actions and mistakes you made, affect you so much you have to live with the regret for the rest of your life. Each night I sleep, I wake up to nightmarish versions of answers that I am terrified of... I am so messed up...

~I made a promise to myself last night and I know I don't keep promises I make to myself very much but this one I intend to keep~
~a promise to be the last no matter what~
~I'll have to live that~

yo corazón habla pero un nombre

kahit tablado ako
kahit masakit
kahit ano pa
ikaw pa rin ang mahal ko
pero kung sasabihin mo lang
isang iglap kaibigan lang muli ako

All over again

Remember when I said that alcohol doesn't make you say things that are incoherent, it makes you say the things you are afraid to say. Well I am drinking now, and well I have to say this. I love laughing with you and spending time with you, something that lately I have not done much of. I must say I was trying to avoid because I did not know where I stood. Anyway two nights ago you made me think again, laugh and smile, we were having fun pairing someone up and I was happy you were smiling and everything was great. But it made me think, right now I am thinking, that night made me fall in love with you all over again, not that I ever lost love for you. I was soooo happy that night, like a lot of things couldn't possibly matter and those few hours I just wished I could prolong. Sadly, they are just memories now and I can't do anything but hold on to them as I do now. How our friend said LQ, how you hit me at a slight joke I uttered about you or how we walked together as we talked about the lovely pair of m**** and j****. Even when I stayed with you till you got a taxi and went home, I wished time would stop. And when it proceeded all I could do was sigh.

Have I told you what people said to me that night? They said i should have taken you home. That I should have made sure you were safe... they were right and I couldn't answer. The truth is, I wanted to do that, to stay with you just a bit longer because I just fell for you one more time... But I had no right to impose, people know and I am not denying it, I love you and I still do but to do something like that might not have been to your liking. You are a strong girl and you have little need for what I can give but I will so long as I can. Do you understand? I am not up to par with you and I can't help but think that you see me nothing more as a friend. And so I try to stay that way, but when things like that night happen and I fall all over again I don't know what to think anymore. And sometimes I don't want to anymore because I will not know where I stand. But I will always be around for you, I will not offer because I think I have no right to but I will always oblige if you ask me to because I love you and I am confused, I am far from what you are but I love you nonetheless, so I can't possibly impose, shouldn't or am I wrong? I dream that I am wrong but dreams are just dreams still it doesn't change the fact that I fell for you once and all over again and you never even noticed it...

Am I talking non-sense? If I am, then please by all means ignore me.
Ciao! and take care I LOVE YOU...
Time to sleep and hopefull just dream...

of course its not really anna i'm talking about

I long to tell you
How much I need you
If I can find the words to say
I never have to feel this way
Not knowing just what to do when I’m with you

My friends they tell me
That I shouldn’t hurry
Everything keeps goin’ strong
‘Coz you keep it going on
Though i have to say how much I love you

[chorus]
Oh Anna can’t you tell and see
What you’re doing to me
Oh Anna this feeling I just can’t hide
Keeps driving me wild
Oh Anna I need you here with me
I wish you could be
Oh Anna won’t you stay with me

Your eyes, they look through me
Your smile they fools me
I never thought I’d love again
But this time I hope it never ends
I have to let you know
I love you

[repeat chorus 2x]

Oh… Anna

[repeat chorus to fade]

(and so lives a name in acil)

Somehow I knew

There are certain things that somehow I just knew. I wasn't told nor was I given clues, I just knew. Somehow I wanted to disprove myself, wanted to believe I was wrong. So even when I knew, I ignored. And now that I see I really am wrong and that I was disillusioned I still keep on. Why because simply it is my decision, my life, my feelings and though it makes me teary eyed right now I have to accept. One thing I wish though, I wish someone had told me...

So am I still waiting?
Do I still love?
Am I still here?
Yes, I am
Here always
Just waiting
Specially when I am needed
I am here
That is why I wait
Because I love
I remain

~tears~
(again I cleanse my black soul)